Some days ago I caught myself thinking of my past. I was wondering how did I come here, how did my life happen so that I’m now where I am and not somewhere else (I enjoy these kind of mind games). In my mind I was rewinding my memories all the way back from the university to the sweet 18 and to my teenage, and it felt so strange. Like it was someone else’s memories, not mine. “Was that really me, did I do that?”
I could see pictures or videos even, but without audio, in front of my eyes, but I could not catch the feeling. I cannot catch the feelings I had towards people that were once very important to me. How was I feeling in that moment, what did I think then? What were my dreams? I go back to the room of my teenage best friend, and I can see it, but I cannot hear the conversation. Or go back to the first apartment where I lived after moving out from my parents place, and I can clearly remember it, but I cannot see how my daily life there was. Or the months I spent in Erasmus exchange in Cyprus. What was I doing all day every day? Of course I know what I was doing: studying, partying, working… But how did it feel, what were the thoughts in my head? It’s like life before I met my husband doesn’t exist, or wasn’t my life, I cannot really remember it. Does this happen to you too, or am I weird?